How to show empathy

TL;DR

To show empathy, focus on the other person's feelings instead of jumping in to fix the problem. Take their perspective, hold back judgment, and name the emotion you think they feel so they know you understand. Your own signals matter too: eye contact, facial expression, posture, and a warm tone of voice show that you are present. Skip "at least" replies that rush to a bright side, and listen to the whole person before you respond.

Insights

Researcher Brené Brown makes the case that empathy is what heals shame and disconnection. In her TED talk on shame, she explains that shame survives on secrecy, silence, and judgment, and that it cannot hold up once it is met with empathy. That is why she calls empathy the antidote to shame. So when someone shares something hard, what helps is not judging it or rushing to fix it, but meeting them with understanding so they feel less alone.

Physician and empathy researcher Helen Riess focuses on the signals you send while you listen. In her TEDx talk she shares a simple checklist she calls E.M.P.A.T.H.Y.: eye contact, the muscles of your facial expression, posture, affect (the emotion you read in the other person), tone of voice, hearing the whole person, and your response. Small moves, like meeting someone's eyes and softening your tone, tell them you are paying attention, which is often what makes them feel understood.