How to stop being a people pleaser

TL;DR

To stop being a people pleaser, you practice saying no a little more often instead of waiting until you are already stressed, and you let go of the idea that you can keep everyone happy. Start small, remember that most people do not take a no as personally as you fear, and give more weight to the views of the people close to you than to distant critics. Trying to keep everyone satisfied usually leaves you stretched thin and pleases no one.

Insights

A practical place to start is to say no more often, and to make it feel smaller than it does in your head. Cal Newport points out that you are probably saying no more than you realize already, just in indirect ways, and that the aim is to say it a little more often rather than to swing from never refusing to always refusing. He also notes that other people rarely track your workload or take your no as personally as you imagine, so the stakes are lower than they feel.

It also helps to let go of the idea that you can keep everyone happy. Vinh Giang explains that when you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one, because the fear of upsetting anyone leaves you doing nothing at all. He suggests weighing feedback by where it comes from: give real weight to the people who are in the arena with you, and let the opinions of distant critics who are not doing the work carry far less.