How to disagree respectfully

Communication coach Alexander Lyon says the key to disagreeing respectfully and assertively is to adopt the mindset that multiple ideas can coexist in the same conversation, without the goal of "winning" or tearing down the other person's position 1.

He suggests using the PEPA framework to guide the conversation:

1. Pause (first P): Pause for three to four seconds immediately after the other person shares their point of view. This lets you listen fully, reduces the temptation to interrupt, lowers tension, and shows respect.
2. Express respect (E): Express respect for the person or their viewpoint, for example by saying, "I hear you. I respect your opinion," to make room for your own perspective later 1.
3. Pause again (second P): Take a brief, one-second pause to set yourself up to state your views cleanly 1. Avoid using words like "but" or "however" during this transition.
4. Assert your view (A): Focus on making an affirmative case for your own position with as little emotion or attitude as possible, rather than attacking the other person's argument.